Moment of madness

Aaargh. Bloody nose is blocked up again. I am literally streaming with snot and my eyes are watering. I’ve had this on and off the whole pregnancy, nearly. Owen keeps pushing his bum out on my belly really hard, too, which is majorly uncomfortable!

Had my first midwife appointment at my new surgery today, and all is well (ow ow ow – Owen… STOP IT!). Blood tests from last week are all perfectly fine, platelet count is normal which is great news and apparently my iron levels are EXCELLENT! Fundal height is spot on again, 37cm and we heard his little heart pounding away, which always makes me remember the first time I heard it and cried! The only slightly annoying thing is that he is not engaged anymore. Last week, the hospital midwife noted that he was 3/5 engaged, but this week he is free. I know that this is normal, but I was convinced that he’d burrowed down even further, just because it feels like he is literally sitting between my legs sometimes, and I now always have to sit very inelegantly with my legs apart! Oh well, the important thing is that he is doing okay in there which he is. And he is still head-down and not back-to-back.

Yesterday I did something a bit stupid. It was a moment of madness brought on by my brother being extremely late to pick me up to go to dad’s (yup, I blame him for my idiocy!!) so whilst waiting, I was messing around on Facebook and thought, I know, I will search for Spider on Facebook and see if I can find out anything. He is not on my friend list, as I removed him aeons ago - but I can see his friend list.

Good move. I found that he has a new girlfriend.

This fact really makes no difference to anything, since I have never entertained any thoughts that we would ever get it together, I have never dreamt that he would suddenly decide that he really did want children and come running back, and frankly I wouldn’t have him if he did. So it should not affect me in the slightest. But it was really horrible to see photos of him with this other woman, so obliviously happy together, it brought on a sudden cold rage and hatred that I haven’t felt since those very early days when he rejected me and the baby.

I really have, for the most part, managed to resolve so many of my doubts, fears and negative feelings and have had such a lovely, happy pregnancy regardless of the situation with the father, that I really thought I was totally over him. So I was very angry at myself for putting all my good work at risk again. My brother and his fiancee finally picked me up and I was very quiet all the way to dads, and as soon as I got there I went into the toilet and burst into tears. Dad fortunately put it down to hormones and I didn’t bother to correct him. Maybe it IS hormones. It did not actually take that long for me to start feeling better, and actually now, only a day later, I don’t feel anything at all about him at all. It’s back to me and Owen, and that’s how it’s going to be. Why should I dwell on the past when I’ve got this amazing future just about to dawn?! Birth, and rebirth. Everything can start anew.

Officially full term today!

The ever-expanding bump!

Owen is officially full-term today! 37 weeks. If I started to go into labour now, they would not try to stop it. Before today, if Owen was born he would be classed as premature, but now he would be a fully cooked baby! Well done, young man – you’ve gone the distance!  

I was thinking today about what Owen is going to be like, in reality. How will he be different to the baby boy I imagine in my head, I wonder? I’ve built up a sort of picture of him, he’s got a little personality already, but it’s a personality that I’ve created for him. He will probably be totally different to the picture I have in my head! It was so important for me to find out the sex of the baby at the 20 week scan, because I wanted to be able to think of him as a person, a personality, a human. To be able to say ‘he’ or ’she’ and ‘him’ or ‘her’. I’m glad, because it has meant that I feel I already have a special bond with him, that I wouldn’t have if I couldn’t name him or visualise him as girl or boy. But now I know that when Owen is born, I will have to accept that he may not be everything I imagine, and he may be many things I could never imagine.

One thing is for sure – a real baby is going to be a lot more complicated than a fantasy one! Am I really ready for this baby? I’ve tried to prepare myself but I don’t know - how will I know until I’m lying on a hospital bed, knackered, sore and shell-shocked, with a newly born little human being sprawled on my tummy, also knackered, sore and shell-shocked, relying on me to know what to do!

 I so desperately hope that I bond instantaneously with him, that I’m almost certain I won’t! I know for some mums it takes a little time, and will just be a slower process. Maybe that will be me. Maybe it would be better. I visualise the moment of birth and can even ‘feel’ the rush of love hormones as I look at him for the first time, though. I hope I’m not too exhausted and traumatised to feel that. I love him anyway, already, unconditionally. I feel like oxytocin has been flooding my body for at least the last six months!!

It’s gone midnight and Owen is really giving me a bashing tonight, so it’s time to put both of us to bed I feel…. until 3.30am when he will no doubt have a little boogie on my bladder!

Ouch ouch ouch!

As predicted, mayhem today. I woke up at 3.30am this morning, half an hour later than usual. Felt achey and stifff so I did a walkabout the room and a bit of leaning and circling on the birth ball. Then back to bed, and woke periodically at 4.34, 5.32, 6.30 and 7.35 before getting up at 8.30. I’m not sure whether it is the pain in my hips that wakes me, or Owen moving. The pain can get pretty awful, though.

I put in a good half an hour of yoga this morning, but have been seriously slacking on the perineal masssage. The truth is, I hate doing it so much that I just can’t face it most of the time, and particuarly since I’ve been getting so achey. I really should try and start doing it again, though. Maybe tomorrow. Aaargh. And I really should find a pool and go swimming. I feel like all the good I was doing through the whole pregnancy, with yoga and swimming three times a week is now going out of the window – right when it’s really important that I keep fit and active. I’m sure once Christmas is out of the way I’ll get back into it again – but Owen could be here any day now, and his arrival is a maximum of five weeks away – exciting!

John’s family, children and grandchildren, trickled in and out throughout the rest of the day. The main focus of entertainment was the humungous TV screen that mum and John have in the lounge – whether it’s films or games on the Wii. Very naughty, really! I felt uncomfortable and cumbersome, and every time I got out of a chair my bump hurt, and my legs seemed to seize up. Ouch ouch ouch. Owen was really enthusiastically bouncy this afternoon, particularly during Pirates of the Caribbean, quite strenuously flexing his muscles and occasionally kicking hard. And I’m getting a lot more Braxton Hicks, some of which are so intense I do actually try to breathe through them. Soon, soon, soon, baby will be here!

Full term tomorrow, Owen! x

Christmas Day and all is quiet.

Christmas Day, and all is quiet. No surprise early appearance from Owen, thank goodness, although I’ve been suffering with slightly more intense Braxton Hicks contractions than usual this evening. It’s getting harder to find comfortable sitting positions. I’ve been driving myself up the wall trying to find new ways of sitting! This is mainly because the pressure on my pubic bone and the pelvic girdle is so intense – not exactly painful but just makes me grit my teeth and take some long deep breaths… he’s definitely moving towards the exit and soon I’m going to be announcing that Mister Owen has left the building!

It’s been a laid back, pleasant day today, which is good because tomorrow promises to be anything but.  The extended family all descend tomorrow, and no doubt chaos will ensue. But today was just me, mum and John, and then Rob (my brother) and Emily (his fiancee) arrived in the afternoon for Christmas dinner. Mum managed to cook a damn fine Christmas dinner. I made the gravy. We didn’t really do much at all, which was fine with me, I’m not in a mood to do much. As mum said at some point, we are all just waiting now, waiting for my little man to make his appearance. Relaxing is the order of the day. Peace, quiet. The calm before the storm. I need to stock up my energy levels, and make sure I get at least SOME sleep before the birth. I’m sleeping so badly at the moment, but it doesn’t seem to be particuarly affecting me. Maybe the massive amounts of hormones surging round my body at the moment are holding tiredness at bay. Last night I woke in agony with my hips and really thought that if I didn’t get up and walk around my body would just seize up and I wouldn’t be able to move a muscle in the morning! So I got up and did half an hour of yoga and gym ball exercise at 3am. Weird, but it seemed to work, I did then manage to get in a few bouts of sleep, in between some turnovers and didn’t actually get up till about 9.30am, which is as good as a lie in. Almost.

I will be thirty-seven weeks in two days time. This is a major and exciting date. We will be officially full term, and Owen can come out to play! He certainly has plenty to play with, now – the prezzies are stacking up thick and fast, he’s got a pile of teddies of varying sizes, musical toys that play tinkly music for an excruciatingly long time if you so much as sneeze near them, a cot mobile that claims to turn your baby into a genius in just five months with the aid of Mozart and psychadelic fluffy animals… and some very nice alphabet books that don’t make any extravagant claims, but probably are a far more pedagogically sound method of educating your child.

Back in the South!

Quick post tonight as bump is feeling majorly uncomfortable, Owen is very restless and its getting late. I am now hunkered down at mums in Worthing, ready for the onslaught of the festive season and then for the wait for the birth. It still doesn’t seem to have sunk in, but I think that’s mainly because I’m suddenly feeling EXTREMELY pregnant and also I have a terrifically bunged up nose that is driving me crazy and not allowing me to sleep much at night.

Owen is very lively, he’s also 3/5 engaged which means he’s wedged 2/5 of his head into my pelvis, in preparation for coming out to meet me! He certainly knows what to do and when, this clever little fellow! I found this out at the hospital today. Had a very long midwife booking appointment, which set my mind at rest on a few things – particularly their attitude towards natural, active birth and waterbirth. They have one pool there, and I should be able to use it no problem, as long as no one else is at the time. There was one funny moment, when Owen decided to do a really big flexing movement just as she went to feel my tummy. My whole tummy kind of changed shape and I think it freaked her out a bit, she said, oh my god, was that a big kick or what? No wonder you’re feeling uncomfortable! He’s been doing that for a couple of days actually, and even now he’s going a bit mental in there! Ouch ouch ouch. What a crazy baby I have! But a totally gorgeous, perfect, crazy baby of course!

So I am now a resident of Worthing again, after 2o odd years of being away. Never thought I would come back to live here. I should have been on the other side of the world now, drinking ice cold beer on a beach near Brisbane! Instead, I’m living back in the town I grew up in, with a crazy baby on the way! How weird and wonderful life is!!

End of an era!

Well, it’s 11.30pm, it’s Saturday night. I’m in bed. I’ve had my baby warming party – like a baby shower but no presents or daft games. More just a normal party, really, I suppose. Boys and girls. Kids. It was really nice actually. I was a little stressed over it yesterday, but it all went smoothly. We bought a stack of party food at Tesco this morning, and baked cakes this afternoon. How extremely domesticated! I made mince pies, which I haven’t done for years (probably since school, actually!). People started arriving around 4.30 and there are still a few people loitering around downstairs, chatting (loudly! Grrrr)  Can’t really complain though, can I – after all  it’s my party! Owen has been very active tonight, and is even now poking me in some very uncomfortable places, particuarly low down in my pubic bones region and in my bladder. I feel huge and unwieldy today. Movement is slow and awkward, bending down is virtually impossible. My nose is also extremely blocked. I barely slept last night, what with tossing and turning and trying to clear my nose, first on one side and then on the other.

Anyway, this is my very last night in Cambridge. I’ve been here for six years, maybe a little more and now I’m leaving. It still doesn’t feel quite real! I don’t think it will sink in till I’m actually in Worthing, and maybe after Christmas when I’ll suddenly realise that I’m not actually coming back! I feel like I should be sadder, or happier, or something – at the moment I feel sort of numb. No strong feelings either way. It’s just something that had to happen, a practical step that I have to take on the journey towards motherhood. I feel a bit sad, though, of course. But not so sad that I would contemplate staying. Anyway, I can come back. Nothing is set in stone. I am giving myself a year in Worthing, to set myself up with a support system, family ties, etc. but if I don’t like it and miss Cambridge I can come back. I have friends here, a job to go back to, so it’s not outside the realms of possibility. But I just want Owen to have family close by, a strong network of blood relations who will be there for him. He won’t have a daddy, so I think it’s even more important.

Anyway, I’m going to go now because my nose is so blocked up I can barely breathe. I think I have some kind of cold, I have a sore throat as well, it’s not a really awful cold but the nose thing is doing my head in, I’m more full of snot than a snot-machine. Right now I can’t think of a more annoying ailment to have. I want to cut my nose off, frankly, it’s that annoying.

Next time I post, I will be in Worthing and it will be the start of a new era!

A lady of leisure (temporarily…)

That’s it – I’ve officially finished work. I am a lady of leisure, at least for a couple of weeks anyway – that’s when the REAL hard work begins! This is just a little breather. I’ve timed Christmas quite nicely, actually – it means that I actually get to leave work a bit earlier than I would have. I don’t really NEED to leave – I feel fine and could probably have continued in work till around 2 weeks before, or even longer, but I’m glad I’m not. 

So what now? It’s exactly one calendar month to my due date. A month of shit TV ahead? Errr… well, no. Not the plan, anyway!

Having time off now will give me time to refocus on the birth, and prepare my mind and body for what it will have to go through. Labour is like running a marathon, I’ve read. Focus, stamina, drive and determination are required. Currently I don’t have time to exercise all these elements of myself, now work is finished with I have much more time to get myself ready. Yoga, breathing, walking, swimming, whatever I can do I will do. Getting our room ready, making up Owen’s bed… I can’t believe that it’s so soon, that I will meet my little guy!

(Okay, okay, so I might find time to fit a bit of shit TV in, too…)

He feels big, now, and looks big. My bump is much more solid now, and feels full of baby. Little elbows and knees sometimes make their imprint on my belly. I haven’t seen a foot yet, though! He’s still very much moving about, and I feel even the small movements now much stronger. He reacts to things, to my movements, especially sudden ones, or if I move awkwardly. I try to move smoothly as much as possible but sometimes can’t help a sudden jerk or twitch and feel a protesting little wriggle. He also reacts to noises, particularly noises in my belly! I farted the other day (sorry, has to be done sometimes, pregnant woman’s prerogative…) and he jumped out of his skin! How I laughed! He seems to react to any kind of bowel movement, actually, and bladder activity. I guess he’s kind of squeezed between the bladder and the bowel system – in diagrams it looks like his head is probably resting on my bladder actually so it’s not surprising that he fidgets when I take a wee. Pelvic floor exercises also seem to disturb him, and perineal massage really sets him off!

I just read him Macavity the Mystery Cat and the Old Gumbie Cat, his two favourite T S Eliot poems. I haven’t read him The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock yet, which is my favourite. I’m sure he will like it, though!

‘Last time’ labels

Major excitement! Last week of work! Actually, I only have another four days. And only six days till I leave Cambridge! This week I am teetering between fear, excitement and just plain weirded out. Everything I do suddenly seems to have a ‘last time’ label attached. Yesterday was my last Sunday here. This morning, my last schedules meeting. This afternoon, the last time I will see one of my work colleagues, possibly ever if I decide not to come back. Tomorrow I will see some of my old work colleagues for the last time, maybe. It’s sad, in a way. But in another way it’s refreshing. A change, a new start! I am finally doing what I have wanted to do for so long, get out of Cambridge and find new pastures. Okay, so I’m going back to the place I grew up, but it will be a different place entirely, I’m sure. And it’s not as if it has to be forever.

The seaside. I have missed it. Owen will grow up knowing the sea as a friend, as I did. I love the sea, I always have. I wanted to immerse myself in it from a very early age. It was the most wild, romantic, thrilling thing ever. Owen will be a sea baby. I am taking him to baby swimming as early as I possibly can. I want him to grow up loving nature, animals, wildlife, places, space, experiencing everything, amazed at everything, seeing the potential in everything. I want to see him growing into his place in the world, not only being but becoming, realizing, transforming, transcending. My darling son, who is the focus now of every single particle of my being.

I have bought the Ina May ‘Guide to Childbirth’, and since it is now 11.17pm and I still have to do my (aargh) perineal massage, I am going to  sign off now and hopefully will have time to read a chapter before my eyes start closing.

‘Last time’ I write a Monday post in Cambridge!

My little heavyweight!

35 weeks today! Only two more weeks and me and Owen will be full term, hurray! He’s been a right little squirmer today, and stuck his bum up in my ribs more than once. I think he just likes to remind me that he’s still there sometimes!

I popped round to see Clare and Saul this morning, but apart from that I haven’t left the house today, and I’ve had no inclination to, it’s been horrible, freezing cold and rainy. I had some work to do, and sort of managed to do at least some of it, in between get distracted by baby sites! I’ve had the house to myself most of the day which has been nice. I sound like a total antisocial git but I sometimes just like to be able to potter and bimble around on my own, not doing very much in particular but not having to speak to anyone, except for Owen, of course! And if no one else is around, it’s so much easier to talk to Owen.

Talk, or sing. Everything turns into a daft song at the moment – peeling potatoes, making a cup of tea, getting in the car, gettng out of the car, having a shower – everything is a silly song! I drive myself mad singing these totally rhythmless, tuneless, rhymeless songs! I do hope Owen appreciates them! I was talking to Owen in a public toilet the other day, telling him he was naughty (for making me need the loo all the time) and then I realised there was someone in the next cubicle who must have thought I was some insane woman since it was perfectly obvious I didn’t have anyone with me! It made me laugh, though.

Everything is getting so close now! It’s scary, but exciting. Sometimes it is more scary, and sometimes more exciting. Every day brings another milestone, or another closure. Yesterday I realised that was my last Friday at work. This time next week will be my ‘baby warming’. I have one more week in Cambridge, and then I leave, maybe forever! I feel strange and dislocated, but somehow Owen brings me back to reality. The thought of him grounds me again, when things start spiralling into a big weirdy mess. He keeps me focussed. His little movements remind me what I am doing all this for. And his big movements! Actually now it is pretty impossible to forget about him, he’s a proper little heavyweight!

From life-threatening to mildly inconvenient…

Have now bought all my Christmas presents. From Tesco. I know this is a total cop out but I really don’t care. I feel so heavy now that even a slow browse in Tesco leaves me puffing and wheezing. I walked five minutes up the road to meet Zo at lunchtime and that totally wore me out. My legs felt like lead and my bump ached. I thought I ought to be reasonably fit, with all the swimming and yoga I’ve been doing!

Owen just keeps on growing and getting bigger and heavier, which is great, but does make movement difficult! I can’t bend at all. I have to crouch down to pick up anything near floor level, and then standing back up again is only just bearable. I can’t run, or even walk fast, it’s too painful. In bed, turning over is excruciatingly painful on both the hips and on bump, and has to be done very slowly and carefully (unfortunately, every half hour or so, due to pain in hips…). I have to take care getting up from tables, not to knock bump against the table. It takes me an age to get in and out of the car, and I’m finding it harder to look over my shoulder, due to muscle strain… I can’t sit comfortably on the sofa, and I can’t get off a sofa once I’m on it! I can’t sit up leaning on pillows in bed really, either, the pressure from baby is too much. Lying on my back is uncomfortable. I am currently sitting on my birth ball, which is the most comfortable place to sit, but I can still feel strain on my back and round the sides of my bump.

My ailments, in order from the life-threateningly painful to the mildly inconvenient…

1. Constipation – aaargh. I imagine feels a little like childbirth, but instead of a seven pound baby emerging, out pops a tiny nugget of rock hard poo.

2. Hip and thigh pain – aargh. Wakes me up at 4am every night without fail, then keeps me rolling from side to side like a mad person till just before the alarm goes off.

3. Bump ache – argh. Can strike at any time but usually when I’m walking. I’m going to stick painful baby movements into this one as well – sometimes makes me hiss and grind my teeth when he really digs in!

4. Faintness and nausea – not nice at all. Generally in the mornings, after I’ve eaten breakfast. Comes in waves, sometimes bad enough to make me want to go outside and sit with my head down. I assume it to be low blood pressure, and judging by my notes, my blood pressure is fairly consistently on the low side of normal.

5. Grinding teeth – I’ve started doing this really badly in the last couple of weeks. My jaw permanently aches. I think it is linked to worrying about the birth etc.

6. Nasal congestion – this is going to be my last moan. Since the beginning of pregnancy my nose has been bunged up, sometimes my ears too. Sniff. Sniff. Sniff. I drive myself crazy with it.

Blimey, I’m turning into a cliched whiney pregnant woman, please, somebody, stop me now!!