A week overdue… pain, more pain. And advice.

Pain, pain and more pain and then some. I’ve had a crappy day today, loads of contractions, but still not actually getting me anywhere. I can’t believe this has been going on for a week now! Still, I’m seeing the midwife tomorrow and hopefully I’ll be able to get a sweep. I am more uncomfortable than I ever imagined I could be, and every change of position seems to bring on a contraction or set off a wave of nauseating back pain. My pelvic pain has also started to severely affect my mobility, walking can be excruciating! Aaaargh!! When will little one make his appearance?! He’s also been extremely active the last couple of days, so that even during quite strong contractions I can feel him moving, which makes the pain even stronger.

Another unwelcome development is the number of people who take it upon themselves to offer advice at this stage. Home cures for overdueness. Well-meaning, but completely off the mark. Friends, who previously had spotless records for the sensitive, unintrusive ways in which they have dealt with my pregnancy, have now decided to all become experts on how to induce babies. Have you tried curry? Have you tried pineapple? Have you driven at 70 mph over speed bumps? Are you getting enough rest? Are you being active enough? I know that they are just excited and want to be helpful, so I have been very patient and not got ratty – plus I know that if no one was phoning or texting me about the baby, I’d be really grumpy and wonder why the hell not!!

I’m trying NOT to let all the pain and discomfort get me demoralised… it is all good practice for the real thing – the only concern I have is that I will be exhausted from all this by the time I go into real labour and won’t have the strength to push on through it. I need to try to conserve my strength this week, and strike a good balance between being active enough to keep my muscles and limbs working, and being relaxed enough to be able to rest and keep my energy levels high.

At least one thing is for sure – I will be able to hold Owen in my arms by next weekend at the latest!

Rob and Emily came over for Sunday lunch today, but I was not feeling great and kept having to get up and go to the toilet to just lean over and breathe through a contraction. So I wasn’t much company really. It’s becoming increasingly difficult, with these contractions, to focus on anything else. Being in a room on my own is the best way to get through them, actually – if anyone tries to talk to me through one it’s really really irritating, and I think the pain is worse.  Total quiet is best. Even music or TV can be annoying. But I can’t sit all flipping day in total silence, can I?!

Well, let’s see how it goes with the midwife tomorrow, anyway.

Drilling a hole in my spine

Quick post, as it’s late and I need beauty sleep. No new developments today, still having pretty bad pain round the pelvic area and also some diabolical back pains. Last night I had several really awful contractions that seemed to start in my spine and work their way round to the front. I had to shift onto my hands and knees to deal with them. Didn’t get much sleep till early morning, when the contractions seem to ease off.

Owen has been lively today, have had loads of quite strong  Braxton Hicks contractions today and more show. But apart from that, nothing! I’m now pretty resigned to being induced next weekend. It would be nice if it started naturally, but we can’t have it all, can we? I’ve had, on the whole (and kind of ignoring the last few days!), a really good pregnancy with very few complications and niggles. I am going to have a happy, healthy, bouncing baby and as long as he is safe and well it really doesn’t matter how he comes into the world. So no more moaning and sighing over this issue. I am determined to enjoy the last days of my pregnancy! And as to the pain and prolonged contractions, I am seeing these as positive things that are preparing me for the birth. Easy to say now, when I’m not having them – harder at 3am when I’m woken suddenly by what feels like someone drilling a hole in your spine and sticking hot wires into it!

Did make it out of the house today, nothing exciting – a trip to Sainsburies and then down to the beach cafe for coffee. It’s really just to get a bit of fresh air and keep my limbs moving a bit, otherwise I think I’d just seize up. This evening I’ve been trying to swap positions and move around for the same reason. Kneeling and leaning forward on the birth ball, and just rollling around very slightly is absolute bliss for my back. Shame I can’t fall asleep on it, really.

Well, it’s 12.30am and I’m off to bed. I might get a couple of hours of sleep in before the man comes to hotwire my back.

Happy baby. Much too happy!

40+5. I never thought I’d get to 40 weeks, let alone five days overdue! I am virtually an immoveable object right now. No one tells you how difficult something as simple as moving  is going to get by this time. What’s the thing I long for most at the moment? (Apart from a little baby Owen, of course!!)  The ability to move freely without getting shooting pains or setting off a Braxton Hicks. To get out of a chair without the bones in my lower back grinding together excruciatingly.  To walk without my legs going off in different directions. To stand up straight, as opposed to sort of curled forwards, and not to feel every single muscle in my abdomen being stretched to the limit. Well. Not long now. I will have pain-free movement back again. And a little baby Owen!

I’ve been up to the hospital today, for monitoring. I was just a bit worried because last night I leaked something during a contraction and the liquid was a sort of browny colour. And then again this evening. So I thought perhaps it could be the waters leaking out, and because it was brownish in colour I was paranoid that baby had done a bowel movement – meconium. Although there wasn’t very much of it, I thought it would be better to get it checked out. The midwife was really nice, very chatty. Actually, she could chat for England. And France. In fact, Europe. We were there for ages, chatting away about this, that and the other. Mum was with me, and looked more nervous than I did, I think! Poor John was waiting in the car outside.

The midwife monitored Owen’s heartbeat and my contractions for 20 minutes, and he was fine. He has a good heart! And he fidgeted and moved around quite a bit, which midwives always seem to love. Oooh, happy baby! She said. I smiled through gritted teeth as he gave me another good hard whack on the pelvic floor. Yes. Happy baby. Much TOO happy, in fact. Maybe he needs to be less happy, then he’ll be more inclined to make his exit.

After monitoring, the chatty midwife said she was just going to get The Speculum. I think mum thought this was some kind of telescope at  first, but when she realised what it was she decided she had to make a phone call, and left the room. Mum, you can’t be squeamish if you’re my birth partner, I said. No, no, she is just going to make a phone call. Mum is quite squeamish about medical things. She has a tendency to go a bit faint when surgical procedures are described. I am slightly concerned that this may inhibit her ability to be strong and supportive to me in labour. But maybe it’s a different kind of squeamishness. Some people faint at the sight of blood, but are quite happy with injections, and vice versa.

Anyway, having rammed the shiny instrument of torture up my lala, the midwife proceeded to crank it up to full dilation and have a good old nosey around at my cervix. “Give me a good hard cough”, she said. Ha. Not as easy as you think, to dredge up a good hard cough when you have a big piece of metal up your lady bits. I coughed a bit pathetically. Then again. All fine, she said. I’m not leaking waters. I do have a big bit of my mucus plug still left to come away though, so she thought I’d probably lost some more of that. She yanked the metal thing out, rather unceremoniously, I thought. And that was that.

Oh – no it wasn’t. While she was up there, the midwife had made a note of how effaced and dilated my cervix was. And basically, it isn’t. Either effaced or dilated. I cannot believe this – after five days of contractions, my cervix has done NOTHING AT ALL!! I am still at SQUARE ONE!! Aaargh. She did say that it looks softened, which is good. But if it hasn’t opened at all by Monday, I won’t be able to get a membrane sweep.

Grr. I am so cross about this. Why is my body doing these horrible things to me? Why, in five days, has my cervix remained stubbornly closed? Why am I in so much pain all the time, if there’s no purpose to it? Or if there is a purpose, please can someone tell me exactly what it is, before I lose the will to live???!!! I know that the main important thing is that Owen is okay, of course – but it’s so so so frustrating to be five days overdue, in pain, contracting like there’s no tomorrow and not even a millimetre dilated!

So off we went, home again. Still pregnant, and Owen’s little Moses basket still awaiting it’s little inhabitant! Well, I guess it will be a week at the very most now, at any rate.

Mums need hugs too!

I’m still here, and still no sign of Owen, the little tyke! Last night had fewer contractions than on previous nights, but the ones I had seemed stronger to me. I didn’t bother counting them. I got up several times to use the loo and had to poo twice, the second time I had diarrhea (how many times will I have to google that word?!). I woke a couple of times, feeling an odd sensation, like a head rush. I felt a bit nauseous. I thought, maybe this is the start of things.

It wasn’t. Sigh.

This morning I lost the plot a bit. I thought momentarily, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be pregnant anymore. I’m having pain when I lie down, sit, stand and walk. I just want him to come out. I don’t care how. Just out.  Just as we were on our way out to Arundel for lunch, a wave of despair hit me and I floundered, mum looked stricken and I felt even worse. She asked me if I’d had any more contractions. I said no. She said, ‘what, nothing at all?’ I snapped back, ‘NO, NONE AT ALL, OKAY?’ and felt instantly terrible.

I festered all the way to Arundel in the car, watching the grey, sodden fields and woods through the rain. The weather reflected my own mood perfectly.  I wonder if Owen picks up my moods? He was certainly very quiet this morning. He’s been hyperactive all afternoon, though!

Once we arrived in Arundel, mum gave me a big hug. That was a surprise! I don’t know who needed it more – but I guess mums need hugs too! I felt better instantly. Mum is not the most affectionate of mums, and she’s not very good at emotional situations in general, so I think this was a special moment! I know that I haven’t been the easiest person to get on with the last few days, and I’ve been feeling bad about this. I decided that, whatever happens, from now on I am going to keep positive. I can’t force myself to be happy, just like I can’t force myself to relax, but I can focus on positive thinking. I can structure my days a little more, maybe. It’s not going to be long until little Owen arrives to disrupt any structure I have to my days but hey, it will give me something to do in the meantime!

Had lunch at a pizza place, then loitered around in a bookshop for a while before driving to Littlehampton and a VERY short walk in the marina. I was having contractions again at this point and walking was hard. It’s not just the contractions when I walk, it’s general muscle pain. Like stabbing sensations. Plus the weight. And baby movements don’t help!

Quiet evening. Surfed the internet, watched TV.  Spoke to Shawn and Linda on the phone, which was nice. Their little Isaac is now at home, terrorising them 24-7 ! So Linda is probably hallucinating through lack of sleep, and Shawn is not far behind! And I think Linda misses having the midwives to consult and talk to – but she is really happy that her little one is finally home with mum and dad! I would love to go and see them, but of course I’ll have to wait now. Linda reminded me that the little person in my tummy is actually 2 weeks older than her little one in his cot, which kind of freaked me out for a minute – what a strange thought! Mind you, he certainly feels like he’s a fully grown baby now, my bump feels full of wriggling baby bits sometimes – or maybe a sack of eels!

Come along, Owen, come out and meet your mum. She so needs a big hug!

Whimpering pathetically in the face of adversity.

Pain. I’ve lost count of the various different types of pain that my body is being put through at the moment. More on that later.

Last night I was getting regular contractions throughout the night (again), which then fizzled out in the morning (again). Needless to say, I was not a happy bunny, having had very little sleep but having progressed no further. They seemed to be more painful than the night before, but still weren’t getting any closer together. I then lost a bit more of the mucus plug. This cheered me up for a while, but after ten minutes of feeling cheerful, I began to lose the will to live again, as the prospect of another ten days of more pain and no baby dawned on me. I sank into the doldrums.

There must be some kind of psychological doorway through which you walk on your due date. Pre-due date, I was positive, motivated, upbeat. I had stuff to do, things to organise, people to see. I could deal with pain and discomfort. I was strong and cheerful. I laughed in the face of adversity. Post-due date, I creep dejectedly around the house, and whimper pathetically in the face of adversity. And it’s only mild adversity too – what the hell am I going to be like when true labour kicks in?!

I attempted to go for another beach walk today. We drove into town first, as I needed to go to the bank, but had several very strong contractions whilst in town, and walking was also really putting strain and pressure on the bump so just came back home again. I phoned the delivery suite to see whether they thought I might be in early labour, and the midwife said yes, it sounded like it, so I should go into active labour in the next couple of days. But then again, I might not. So I’m still in the dark and not knowing when anything might start happening.

Pain. What is painful at the moment? Well, pretty much everything that involves moving actually. Plus things that don’t. Getting out of armchairs. Getting into armchairs. Walking. Turning. Sitting on hard chairs. Sitting up in bed. Lying on back. Lying on side. Being upright. Bending over. Sitting cross-legged. Sitting in reclining position. Standing for longer than 10 seconds. And I haven’t even been through labour pains yet! My god, how will I cope? I’m a big girl’s blouse when it comes to pain, all I do is whinge, whinge, whinge.

Psyching up, psyching down…

Owen is such a little tease! I went to sleep last night, eventually, after lying awake for ages with thoughts racing round my head. Woke up sporadically through the night, still getting the rhythmic contractions. At around 5.30 I was wide awake, so started timing them again, they were coming at moreorless the same duration and frequency, although a couple came at much longer intervals. I decided to try and get some more sleep, just in case labour was imminent. I woke up again at around 9.30, and all contractions had stopped! All bets were off.

I felt disappointed, as I had been sort of psyching myself up for the Big Push! Now I have to resign myself to more waiting, and psyche myself up again at some point. Got up, mooched around the house in a rather peevish way, couldn’t really be bothered to do anything, and then had a total attack of the miseries at lunchtime. I don’t know what it was, probably a combination of boredom, disappointment and hormones. I cried and cried until my face looked all blotchy and ugly and when I saw myself in the mirror I cried all over again. I managed to dredge up all the bad, dark thoughts I could to feed the self-pity monster. The worst thing about crying, I find, is that it leaves you feeling very drained and down for hours afterwards.

Mum, having managed to avoid the issue of my blotchiness and sullen air, suggested that we go into town, so we did even though it was really miserable, wet and cold. I felt very uncomfortable, and it was a massive effort hauling the bump around the shops, but I kept telling myself it’s good to keep moving, keep baby heading downwards etc. And actually, the contractions did start coming back again while we were in town. Stronger, too. But they weren’t really all that regular and died out, again.

Evening – well, teasing continued. Contractions started up again, still at around 10 minutes apart. Still not massively painful. I decided to not get excited about contractions anymore, and we watched a film, American Gangster. Halfway through I went to the loo, and got VERY excited about something else – I had a show! I shan’t go into yucky detail, but basically this is part of the mucus plug that sits in the cervix. Losing this means that the contractions I’ve been having ARE doing something – they are thinning out my cervix and I may even be a little bit dilated! Contractions continued and I started to time them… at which point they decided to fizzle out again.

What is that child doing in there?! I think he’s having a whale of a time! I wonder what tricks he’ll have up his sleeve tomorrow…?

Could this be it?

Well, maybe there could be a baby Owen showing his face this week after all! Have been having regular contractions from about 4pm. I wasn’t even that sure that was what they were to begin with, I thought I just needed a big poo (which I did, too!) I went to the loo, and after that thought the pains might stop, but they continued and I thought perhaps these are contractions! They seemed to be coming at regular intervals, so after dinner (which I cooked – the best beef casserole ever!) I started timing them on a website called the Contraction Master.

How to describe them? Well, they weren’t really that painful, but they were more painful than the Braxton Hicks I’ve been getting for the last couple of weeks. They start off with the hardening/tightening feeling of Braxton Hicks, with a gradual increase in intensity (ie. pain!) that sometimes makes me gasp slightly. They’ve been coming roughly every 10 minutes or so, and they last about 50 seconds on average. But they haven’t really been getting any stronger or closer together, so I’m fairly sure that whatever this is, it isn’t active labour yet. It could be very early stages of labour (latent) or it could be false labour, in which case it will peter out. Cross fingers it is early labour!

Why don’t I feel more excited? I feel very calm. I should be dancing around, bouncing on my birth ball, doing stuff to help him along! But I just feel relaxed, a bit tired, ready for bed! Maybe I just don’t believe that this could be it – maybe it isn’t! No need in getting all hyped up if it isn’t the real thing , is there?

I’m going to bed now, we’ll see what tomorrow brings!

Come on Owen! Come on Owen!

Ministry of Silly Walks on the Beach

Attack of the Giant Ninja Pregnant Woman from the Deep...

Well, the long awaited Estimated Due Date has come and gone and no sign of Owen making any moves in the right direction. I’m not particuarly surprised or upset about this though. I wasn’t expecting him to come on time. I’ll be a bit more upset next Sunday, probably, if I’ve had no signs by then. But it seems like most first babies come a little later than expected, so what’s the point in worrying about it? I’m just going to have to wait a little longer – I’ve waited for nine months, so what’s another 2 weeks?! And if he’s not quite ready to make his journey into the world yet, who am I to hurry him?

Today was another perfect winter day, which just got better and better so after dinner we drove down to Sea Lane and went for a bracing walk on the beach. By mid-afternoon the sky was pretty much cloudless. It was cold, and the wind was the kind that takes your breath away and gives you a slight headache. But I felt alive, excited, hopeful. The sea was wild, too, and there was a whole army of kite surfers out on the waves, their huge parachute-like kites wheeling and spinning around. I stomped along the pebbles like a woman possessed, having been told that this is a good way to shake things up a bit, and maybe even kick start labour, although I have my doubts as to whether anything actually kick starts labour unless baby is good and ready to go. All these old wives tales about things that allegedly start things off, I think they are just there to stop you getting bored in the final few days to be honest! But walking does make sense in the later stages – it helps the baby move downwards into a good position, and engage in the pelvis.

Anyway, Owen clearly isn’t ready to go just yet - in fact at the moment he is wriggling around quite happily in there, not a care in the world! But I really enjoyed the fresh air, the sea, the waves and the exercise – it made me feel so energized and positive that I think I should do a beach walk every day actually! Well – depending on the weather, that is…

Happy due date, sweetheart!

Well it is officially Owen’s due date as of 11 minutes ago. Happy due date, sweetheart!! You are now a fully cooked bun in the oven!

 Although I have been getting some pretty strong Braxton Hicks today, there are still no real signs that he’s on the way out. I think he’s feeling the squeeze, mind you. Today I’ve had a lot of very painful pushing movements from him, as if he’s pushing his head on my cervix and his feet on the top of my womb. I have to grit my teeth sometimes, especially when it’s combined with a practice contraction! I’ve been fidgety and restless all day too, I can’t seem to sit in one position for any length of time because all my muscles start seizing up. So it’s armchair to birth ball, birth ball to standing, standing to pacing around, kitchen table for a while, another toilet trip, back to armchair, begin again. I feel a lot of pressure down below, so I think maybe he’s engaged a bit more now, or else it’s trapped wind. Probably the latter, knowing my luck. The naughty boy is much too lively to want to plug his head into my pelvis just yet, surely!

This morning (Saturday morning) the sun was shining and it felt like spring, it was so mild. I drove to Tesco and picked up a few bits and bobs. Mum and John went into town in the afternoon but I decided that I didn’t want to wander around town so stayed in and watched Stardust. Then in the evening, was again antisocial. Mum and John and most of John’s family were going to a party but I stayed in and watched Jaws. I’ve become far more reclusive since becoming pregnant I think – although I’ve never really been a massively sociable person I don’t think. I like to meet friends and go out and things, but I have a cut-off at which point I just want to be on my own again. You can’t be yourself, truly, when surrounded by others – even if they are others you know really well. Even with family.

The mild spring-like weather turned this evening to howling gale and lashing rain! I can hear the rain on my window now, and the wind shaking the front door. I love stormy weather. When I’m indoors, that is! I feel warm and happy, and I’m ready to try and get some sleep now – although my little man has just started doing his pushy-pushy thing again, hmmm – typical!

There is only one way out, and that is down.

I feel restless today, can’t seem to get comfortable anywhere. I felt very sleepy earlier, so I lay on the bed and tried to doze but felt too edgy and kept half dropping off but then waking with a start. I’m not very good at sleeping in the daytime, or relaxing at all, actually. I started reading a Margaret Atwood, The Edible Woman, but I haven’t got into it yet.

Did go swimming this morning, though, to Littlehampton pool. Squished my zeppelins into my bikini and then a vest top over them and bump – this brought home to me how huge I’ve got in the last trimester! Sank gracelessly into the water, and at first didn’t think I would float, but oddly, the bump has always been rather more buoyant than me, so did manage to do 20 rather perambulatory lengths. I could have done more, but the water was quite chilly. Getting out of the pool was horrid, as it always is, as the full weight of Mr. Bump kicks in again! He is being very naughty bump today, very active and kicky, I’m sure that he wants out but he needs to realise that there is only one way out, and that is down!

I’ve been getting the Braxton Hicks contractions for a while now, which are not unpleasant, they feel like a slow increase of pressure on the nether regions and the bump just kind of goes hard for 10 or 20 seconds. Almost like the baby is pushing outwards really hard in all directions. I am hoping that the pressure on my cervix is causing it to efface and dilate, which should start bringing on  active labour at some point. I am trying not to play the waiting game, as I feel that would just make me tense up and I want to be relaxed and allow my body to do its stuff. I have three days till my due date and after that I have to start deciding what to do about induction.

I really really don’t want an induction. If I’m induced I have no chance of a water birth, and I’ll have to be hooked up to a drip, and that means I won’t be able to move around very much which is really really important to me. I am crossing everything (except my legs!) that it won’t get to that point, but I have to bear in mind that it could. I suppose if I got really desperate I could start trying all those daft things like eating twenty pineapples whilst running upstairs sideways reciting Britney Spears lyrics backwards and wearing nothing except a bowler hat and a feather boa, which is apparently supposed to bring on contractions. But we live in a bungalow. And I don’t have a bowler hat. Or a feather boa. And I hate pineapple and Britney Spears.