Fin’s birthday barbie!

Owen smiles a lovely natural smile...I look like I'm gritting my teeth and clenching my buttocks...

Well as I mentioned yesterday, busy day today. Up really early to get over to the leisure centre for the paediatric first aid course. It was SCORCHIO again! Felt like being in Spain or Greece or somewhere like that, I just love it when it’s like this although a bit worried for Owen in the car because it gets like an oven. Then three hours of learning resusitation etc. on plastic dummies. It was actually really good. I do feel a bit more like I would be able to deal with an emergency now. Some of the mummies there I knew, too, which was nice.

In the afternoon drove over to Fin’s 1st birthday party. Of course it was in the garden! But half the garden was shaded which was good for the little ones, of whom there were many. Owen was the littlest there, again, and he was an absolute star, he was happy and gurgly and smiled for photos, and laughed and chatted and gooed etc. etc. etc… I love him soooooo much! It was really nice and relaxed, everyone was in super good mood because of the sunshine and generally had a lovely time. Drove back home at around 5.30 and it was still really hot. Owen was asleep in the carseat so I decided to just pop him in the buggy asleep and take a little stroll down the prom – the joy of living by the sea! It was beautiful. The beach was still quite busy but the water must have been quite cold as not many people were swimming – but a few were.

I have to go to bed now, I really have used up my reserves today!

Looking back nostalgically on night feeds??!!

Owen holds my parasol for me. A little higher, boy!!

Quick post as we have to be up early tomorrow – and its Sunday! It’s going to be a really busy day actually, baby first aid course for 3 hours in the morning and then Finley’s 1st birthday party in the afternoon. I will be shattered after that – as will Owen I imagine.

Today has been scorching hot, beautiful sunny day. Went to a car boot sale in Shoreham with mum, which was a very pleasant morning, bought some new toys for Owen and mum found a chair for him which I was madly jealous of so she gave it to me. Which made me feel a bit bad. But not bad enough to refuse. How bad am I?! But I will give her the chair that I have here for him so it’s kind of fair… isn’t it? (guilt, guilt…)

Then drove to Tesco to get a birthday prezzie for my cousin’s little boy who is one year old tomorrow. This is the party, of course. I also bought a bottle of wine and then spent the rest of the day salivating just thinking about it! Drove back to the flat and had some food in the garden while Owen slept off the effects of the car boot*. When mum had gone we retired inside to the bedroom so that Owen could be out of the sun for the rest of the day. The great thing about my bedroom is that it has a door opening onto the garden and the sun streams in through it, so I could sit sunning my legs while Owen played with his toys on the bed out of the sun! He was in a lovely sunny mood till about five o’clock and then little clouds of grumble started to emerge, which over the course of the next few hours built up to an unholy screaming session at bath time, sadly. I always hope for a lovely relaxed bath time to wind the day down, and he is usually okay till I take him out of the bath, at which point he absolutely raises hell and doesn’t stop till we are in the bedroom and he’s having the last feed. Today he started BEFORE the bath, stopped for a while when he was in the bath but then started again, and when I took him out there was no stopping him. On fine form, I’d call it.

He’s making little huffing noises now on the monitor so I don’t think he’ll be sleeping through tonight! Last night he woke three times which was very depressing as usually he only wakes twice and sometimes only once. I know that it’s likely that it will take time for him to start really not wanting the night feeds but when he does it once or twice I get my hopes up, only to have them dashed again! Oh well, I can’t wish his little life away can I? He’s only a baby for a short time, maybe one day I will look back nostalgically on night feeds – or not, as the case may be!

*Sale, that is. I did not put Owen in my car boot. Really. That would make me a terrible mother.

Laid back baby

How rubbish am I?! I am trying to buy things on eBay and I completely forgot that the time was running out on a pushchair I was bidding on – so didn’t even get to try and get it! I am cross with myself. I was actually sitting here too, expressing – I could have myself a brand new pushchair by now!! Aargh. Oh well, plenty more of those. I’ve just bid on another one, which no doubt I will forget to keep an eye on too. I really need something before we go to France (if we go to France that is). I’m also bidding on a travel cot, and that auction ends tomorrow afternoon so I really must remember to be there to fight my corner.

Today there was going to be a picnic on the beach, but the weather was so lousy this morning, raining and cold, that it was called off. About 10 minutes later the sun came out and it was scorchio all day till about four o’clock when it went very strange, hazy and sort of dull but roasting. I thought it would thunder but it didn’t, it did rain in the evening though. I didn’t mind really, it gave me a chance to just have a normal day with Owen, just me and him. Went for a wander along the prom into town and ended up buying a few things – I can’t seem to leave the house without buying something at the moment! But I was quite pleased because I got a really nice scarf for me from a charity shop for a couple of quid, a book of spooky stories for Owen also for a couple of quid (it’s got fab pictures too) and a caterpillar toy from the Early Learning Centre for six pounds which was also pretty good I thought. Listen to me trying to justify all this money-spending! He does seem to like the caterpillar though.

My cold is still hanging around, but at the moment it seems to be mainly a runny, tickly nose – more annoying than anything else really. I hope to god that it doesn’t get as bad as the last one, that was sheer hell. And now I’m on my own I can’t afford to get ill – I need to be firing on all cylinders really. And I’m not quite doing that, but paracetamol seems to be holding the worst of it at bay.

I am so in love with my beautiful little man, I just have to say that now. He’s such a happy little soul too, normally – I have got it pretty good with Owen I think, the main worry is his skin, which although the hydrocortisone cream is keeping it under control still flares up pretty much every 2 or 3 days somewhere on his body. He scratches it and it gets worse. I put him in scratch mitts or put socks on his hands for nappy changes and nappy free time so he can’t make it worse, but I can’t do that all the time and he will always manage to do it somehow. His legs bear the brunt of this, they are covered in scratch marks, but he has also started being able to reach the top of his head now, and I also noticed scratch marks on his arms today. Aaaaaargh… I bought nail scissors and emery boards in an attempt to get his nails short enough so he can’t make himself bleed but after I did them he managed to scratch me when feeding so they are still not short enough.

Apart from his skin though, he’s such a laid back baby really. Goodness knows who he gets that from – clearly not me!!

Sad this morning.

Owen with two piers.

I was looking on my forum late last night and was very sad to see that a lady had lost her baby at 39 weeks pregnant. She was going to have to give birth, too. I have to admit that I sat and sobbed my heart out, just could not stop crying. I cannot imagine what she is going through, how terrible that must be to have got so far and to give birth and not be able to hug your little one at the end of it. I lay awake for ages thinking about it. And it was the first thing I thought of this morning. I don’t believe in god, but if I did I would be screaming at him right now for the injustice of that. I look at Owen now, who is so happy and beautiful (and noisy!) this morning and I thank my lucky stars that we have made it this far, and I wish for a long and happy future for us, but I feel sad because my thoughts this morning are with that newly bereaved mummy and her lost little baby who never saw his mummy’s face.

I also feel a bit like I’m coming down with something this morning. I had a sore throat in the night that kept me awake, until I took some paracetamol. And this morning I’m a bit sneezy and snotty. I can’t believe how many colds and other ailments I have had since the last few weeks of my pregnancy. Is it my immune system is a bit compromised at the moment? Why would that be, though? Maybe to do with breastfeeding? Or just lack of sleep, maybe. I am sick of being sick though. I really hope this one doesn’t go full blown like the last one, which was miserable and prolonged. Now I’m on my own I can’t afford to get that ill.

I was fine yesterday, in fact I was full of beans. Took the little guy over to Brighton to my brother’s and walked into town along the seafront. It was warm but hazy, and although the seafront was busy it could have been much worse. We ended up sitting outside a bar on the beach, me, Rob, Em and Em’s sister. Owen was extremely sociable and alert, I had him on my knee for quite a lot of the time and he just kind of people-watched and flirted with the girls! I took him down to show him the sea and he seemed quite fascinated by it. While we were sitting around, a seagull decided to divebomb our table with a big gloopy seagull poo that landed splat in the middle, narrowly avoiding everyone’s lunch but managing to somehow get underneath the buggy hood, god knows how! Luckily no damage though – we were lucky, it could have been worse!

I had been intending to have a wander in the North Lanes but suddenly it was 5.30 and I had no idea. Walked back along the seafront and drove home. Owen was in such a good mood all day, no crying at any point and barely any whinging either so I was thinking he’d be ratty in the evening, but no he was in a very good mood for bath and went to sleep very quickly. I am so lucky to have my little man here beside me, I really am. My three miscarriages really pale into insignificance compared to a stillborn baby at 39 weeks. Still feel sad now.

Damn the internet, passport officials and postal workers.

Owen practises his holiday look. Tres beau, mon cher!

Damn, I was going to write a long, deep and meaningful post and then I got distracted by eBay! Damn the internet and its attention-deficit-disorder propensities. I do this all the time – switch on the laptop to do one thing, then gradually get sucked away via hyperlink after hyperlink to an entirely different universe. I can start out wanting to find out what day my bins are collected, and end up looking at a website advertising sunglasses for dogs. And I don’t even have a dog. Oh well. I don’t have anything ground-breaking to write really, either, although I have had a somewhat stressful time trying to sort out the flipping passports. They must make the process deliberatley obfuscatory (is that a word, and if so is it the right word I wonder? But it’s a good word so we’ll leave it there for now…)

Where was I, anyway… oh yes. Damn passport officials and postal workers. The trauma and stress that I have gone through to get the passport applications sent off is tantamount to giving birth. I managed to cock up at least three forms before finally thinking I had it all sorted, got Owen’s photos done, got my photos done, got everything countersigned and counter-countersigned and blah blah blah, and got to the post office to get them checked and sent. And then it all went wrong, if it had been right before, that is. The woman who served me clearly would rather have chewed off her own fat arm than been at all helpful or sympathetic, and she was lucky there was mood-proof glass between me and her, that’s all I can say. Suffice to say, the forms were WRONG, of course so had to do them all over again. Finally I got them sent off the next day. But I don’t know if the passports will come through in time or not. Basically mum and John are going over to the cottage, so it’s not the end of the world if we don’t get them, we don’t have to book anything, just the ferry and that can be done a couple of days in advance. But I’d love a holiday, even a little French one. It will be Owen’s first holiday! Better get him a hawaian shirt then, I guess… he’s got the sunglasses already! Now, where was I? Oh yes, I was bidding for something-or-other on eBay…

Mon bebe et moi en voyage…

I have decided that me and Owen will go to France with mum and John. I have been pondering whether this is a good idea or not, but eventually decided that it will probably be fine, as long as I am relaxed about things. This is all dependant on me getting our passport applications sent off, and the passports being returned in time.

I can’t believe that I lost my passport. What a dimwit. One day it was there, the next day it was not. It was at mums that I lost it and I suspect that it has been thrown away with something. I almost hope that it has, because if I find it after spending a fortune on a new one I will be extremely annoyed! I’m also applying for Owen’s first passport. He has his little photos that are sooooo cute! I am going to have to go back to work next week at this rate, the passports are costing a fortune, then there’s the holiday expenses on top… oh well, I need a holiday and won’t get one when I go back to work for a while, probably. I’ll probably only get to use the flipping passport once!

Owen was lovely and sunny tempered all day today until just after his bath, when he decided he was in a very bad mood. It’s weird, but I am sure that in between some of the most angry cries, he actually smiled at me. What’s that all about, then? He does that sometimes – takes a break from having a temper tantrum to smile or chuckle, then goes back to being cross again. I think he’s a little faker!

Work and weaning matters.

Owen gets ready to wean...

Another day another dollar less… I have started thinking about going back to work, sigh. I know it’s a bit early to think about this but I feel slightly anxious about the money situation. I have plenty at the moment, enough to last the year anyway. But I don’t want to eat too much into my savings, which are currently earmarked for house buying type things, holidays with Owen and Owen’s education. So I think I will try and make a visit to Cambridge in July to talk to my bosses about possiblity of doing some work from home. I also need to start thinking about my plans to go back into teaching. Ideally I would get a part-time support assistant position in a school first, then offer my services doing cover lessons, and from there go back into teaching proper. I envisage starting this in the new year, so I would also need to think about childcare and how many days I would want to do.

If money were no object I would not go back to work. I think I would want to spend as much time as possible with Owen before he gets to school age. I could maybe last a couple of years on my savings, but that would be me cleaned out. No house buying. No holidays. No money for Owen’s education. No back up. I have to weigh up the pros and cons, and when I do that I think working part time is best all round. I can still be with my son for most of the time, but keep bringing some money in for us. And I don’t want to be a benefit mum. I want to be a good role model for Owen, and seeing that you have to work for your money is an important lesson.  Yeah yeah yeah I know, I’m a fine one to talk, I spent time on the dole having a good time, being in bands and getting drunk. But now I’m a mum and it’s different, I’ve got to think about how what I do will affect my son.

Yesterday I went for a walk down the seafront, it was really wild and windy and the sea was angry and green-grey. I took a load of pictures which I am going to use for a new series of paintings. I have some abstracts that I painted using photos of farm machinery close up, and I want to do some similar ones of boats and fishing nets and lobster catching paraphenalia and what have you. Got some beautiful shots, I think! We went to dinner at Cathy’s today and Rob and Em were there – Rob said he wants one of the as yet unpainted paintings for his wedding present from me, which is a great idea! I will start tomorrow, if I’m not too knackered.

Oh, and Owen has a new piece of furniture, a highchair which he seems quite pleased with!

Catalogue of ailments…

Yet another trip to the doctor! Every week there seems to be a minimum of one trip to the surgery, either for Owen or me. This week has been two, and I’ve had to book one for next week as well. But we are getting there, I think. So what is happening with our catalogue of ailments, then?

1. The breast thrush has totally cleared up and breastfeeding is no longer painful! I’m actually starting to enjoy it now, now I don’t have to dread the searing pain of latching on and the knife-like stabbing after feeds. Hooray for medication! I am so relieved because I had been starting to think that I would give up breastfeeding if the pain and problems continued. Now I hope to continue to one year, and combine with baby-led weaning.

2. Owen’s eczema is under control, although when I stop using the hydrocortisone it comes back pretty quickly. But I don’t want to overuse the hydrocortisone, so I’m trying to keep that for severe outbreaks. He has a referral to see a dermatologist at the hospital, but the hospital won’t even put him on the waiting list yet, apparently because of government restrictions on numbers on waiting lists. I have had such a fiasco with this. They even sent me a letter saying ‘why haven’t you booked your appointment?’ so I called and said, ‘well because you won’t allow me to’. It’s all very dodgy, if you ask me. One person I spoke to said that there was an appointment booked but it was at midnight and therefore must be a ‘dummy’ appointment. What does that mean? I have now turned this over to my doctors who are looking into it for me.It seems wrong to me that an urgent referral would not even get on the waiting list… I dread to think how long it will take till we actually see someone.

My rash is slowly getting better. My arms are virtually spot free now, although the lesions have left scars all up my forearms that aren’t very nice. I look like a junkie. My chest rash is calming down and only occasionally itches. I feel generally weller in myself and so down. Having a rash is horrid, and itching just drives me up the wall!

So mainly good news on the health front. I do keep getting styes which are itchy, sore and very annoying though. That will be the next thing. If they don’t stop I need to get something for them. I read that they can be caused by being run down, well that sounds about right! Although I eat very well, my sleep has not been good since before Owen was born. He slept through a couple of nights last week,  but last night woke twice and that’s been the pattern really – no pattern at all! His waking at night is pretty random. Nights when he sleeps through, I wake up and lie there with throbbing boobs wishing that he’d wake up for a feed, but at the same time hoping that he won’t!

Today’s been busy, went to see Emma this morning after the doctors because she was selling off some of her little boy’s stuff, toys and clothes. I got a nice playmat, which is to replace the baby gym that Owen doesn’t really get on with, and a musical mirror type thingy, and a load of really nice clothes. I got some 6-9 month clothes too, which made me think how quickly it’s all going! Then this afternoon nipped into town to get some bits and pieces from Boots. I got some gel stuff for my eye which has made both my eyes sore and stingy and my left eye has gone all blurry, grrrr… I am so fed up with having things wrong with me! This evening was also hectic, made casserole, did Owen’s bath and beauty routine, then boob, book and bed, then tidied and hoovered living room, did potatoes and peas and ate my dinner, then did the ironing, then finally sat down on the sofa… a good day, but knackered now and going to bed.

The tugging of the invisible cord…

Yesterday was a new first – I went out for a meal with some of the mums from the mother and baby group, leaving Owen with my mum. It was the first time I have been away from him and I was a bit stressed about it. Owen also chose that day to be very clingy and spent all afternoon on my lap, every time I tried to put him on his sheepskin he screamed and I had to pick him up again. Mum came round about six and I went out at seven, having given him a last feed before I went. Mum looked a little nervous, and I daredn’t even look at him as I went out the door because I thought I might not be able to go.

The restaurant was actually only five minutes walk away, on the seafront. There were ten of us there, and it was a really nice atmosphere, everyone was chatting away and I was having a good time. But there was this little tugging feeling that was getting stronger, and after the starters I went outside to call mum to check everything was okay. It went through to the answerphone. I didn’t really worry, since mum is a bit rubbish with mobiles, she was probably looking around wondering what that beeping noise was.

The main courses arrived. I was just tucking in when an ambulance went tearing past, sirens blaring. All of a sudden, my stomach literally lurched. I felt this hot, sick wave pass over me, I imagined a million worst case scenarios and my eyes filled up with tears. All I wanted was to go home. Even though I knew with the rational part of my brain that everything would be fine, that I was being irrational, I couldn’t help it at all. It was that invisible, but unbreakable cord that links me to my son, giving me a great big tug, and it was impossible to not respond.

The other mums were very sympathetic of course, but I had totally lost my appetite and went home at about nine. I walked as fast as I could and ran the last bit! What an idiot. When I got to the flat I could see mum through the window, sitting in her usual frozen position as if she was holding a time bomb. Owen was fast asleep and quite happy, although mum’s arm had gone completely dead!

I’m glad I went out though. I was going to have to at some point, and it’s good for both of us. Owen has been very needy today though, he’s been on my lap, either asleep or feeding v

Bumbo chair fails to impress Owen…

Please like your Bumbo chair Owen, it cost me a flipping fortune!

Owen now has a Bumbo chair. I have been taken in by the hype. What is this ludicrously-named, ludicrously expensive object exactly? Well, it’s a squidgy foam plastic object that looks like a potty but isn’t and has attached to it a plastic tray which for some unknown reason is sold separately and is also ludicrously expensive. It is to enable baby to sit upright.

Not that Owen wants to sit in his Bumbo chair. When I put him in it he seemed quite antipathetic towards it. I’m not surprised. He can barely move once he’s been squished into it, except to slowly list over to one side until he looks like the Leaning Tower of Owen. I gave him his toy giraffe to take his mind off the fact that he couldn’t kick kickety kick his legs as he’s loves to do, and he immediately started bashing its brains out on the white tray, accompanied by quite a lot of enraged screaming.

Worth every penny then! I will get a photo when I have summoned the courage to put him back in it again.